Terribly Unfair Jokes About Lawyers   no comments

Posted at 2:12 am in

This collection has been gathered from every source imaginable over the last thirty years or so.  Why don’t I publish it?  Because many of them have been viciously plagiarized from other sources, and what could be more fun for a lawyer than to sue someone for stealing lawyer jokes?  So, these are here for your reading pleasure.  Copy them, sell them, send them to your friends.  Just keep in mind that lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and most other people don’t think they’re jokes.

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.  The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with “How much is two plus two?” The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, “Four.”  The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions.  Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research.  After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced “Four.”  The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions.  At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked “How much do you want it to be?”

Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day.  The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters.  The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low-grade Motel 6-type establishment.  The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates.  The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, “I’m really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accommodations.”  St. Peter replied, “We have over a hundred Popes here, and we’re really very bored with them.  We’ve never had a lawyer.”

Q:    Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers?
A:    No.
Reply: Good!

Q:    Why don’t snakes bite attorneys?
A:      Professional courtesy.

Q:    Why do male attorneys usually wear tight shirt collars and ties?
A:    It keeps their foreskins from creeping up and covering their faces.

Q:    How can you tell that an attorney is about to lie?
A:    His lips begin to move.

Q:    How can you tell the difference between an attorney lying dead in the road and a coyote lying dead in the road?
A:    With the coyote, you usually see skid marks.

Q:    How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:    How many can you afford?

Q:    How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:    None, he’ll have the janitor do it.  But, you’ll get the following bill:

Item Charge (What it really means)
Lawyer’s time (1 hr. Min.) $400 you sucker
Connectivity charge $100 he called janitor
Staff charges $250 secretary prepared bill
Research fees $422 BMW payment due
Consulting fees $431 Sr. Partner’s BMW bill
Specialized equipment $122 bought bulb
Delivery expenses $34 had messenger deliver it
Rule 453.957(B)(1) charge $394 2nd partner Volvo bill

Q:    What do you get if you send the Godfather to law school?
A:    An offer you can’t understand.

An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations.  He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.  The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard.  The attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears.  The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell.  When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, “We have all of the judges.”

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.  He called for the three men he trusted most – his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.  He told them, “I’m going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die.  At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me.”  All three agreed to do this and were given the money.  At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.  While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said “I have to confess something to you fellows.  Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this.  The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one.  I only put $20,000 in the coffin.”  The physician then said, “Well, since we’re confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn’t put the full $30,000 in the coffin either.  Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn’t afford it then.  I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient.  I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that.”  The lawyer then said, “I’m ashamed of both of you.  When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.”

The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation.  In their place, they will use attorneys.  They have given three reasons for this decision:

  1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
  2. The medical researchers don’t become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats.
  3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won’t do.

One problem, though, is that no one has been able to extrapolate the test results to human beings.

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor.  He asked “Give it to me straight.  How long have I got?”  The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night.  The man then said “Call for my lawyer.”  When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other.  The man then laid back and closed his eyes.  When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind.  The man replied “Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I’d check out the same way.”

Q:    What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school?
A:    A f***ing know-it-all.

Q:    What do you call 400 lawyers at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean?
A:    A great place to start.

Q:    What’s the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche?
A:    The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Q:    Do you know why being a lawyer is the opposite of having sex?
A:      Because it’s all bad and some is worse.

A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary.  A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.  The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, “Hippocrates, come!” Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff.  Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones.  He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton.  The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts.  The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, “Sliderule, come!”  Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff.  The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal.  The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.  The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called “Bullshit, come!”  Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff.  Bullshit immediately sodomized the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.

Good News:      A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff.  The bus was destroyed and there were no survivors.
Bad News:      There were three empty seats.

Q:    What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand?
A:    Not enough sand.

Q:    What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A:    A Doberman pinscher.

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.  When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven.  St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake.  “I’m much too young to die!  I’m only 35!”  St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case.  When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, “I’m afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son.  We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you’ve billed to your clients, and you’re at least 108.”

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the point where the pathways meet.  They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.  When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth.  The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.  The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity.  He had never been able to see his reflection in water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was.  The rabbit declared that he had the same problem.  Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.  The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit.  After a few moments, he announced, “You’ve got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail.  I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!”  The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake.  After feeling about the snake’s body for a few minutes, he asserted, “Well, you’re scaly, you’re slimy, you’ve got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you’ve got a forked tongue.  I think you’re a lawyer!”

A man went into the Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate.  He asked the man at the counter, “Is there a criminal attorney in town?” The man replied, “Yes – but we can’t prove it yet.”

Q:    How do you get an attorney out of a tree?
A:    Cut the rope.

A man walked into a curio shop and began to browse.  He was attracted to a brass rat on a shelf behind the counter.  He asked the shopkeeper for a price, and was told to make an offer.  Presently they agreed on a price, and the brass rat changed hands.  The shopkeeper warned the customer as he took the money, “This sale is final.  If you leave the shop with the brass rat, I won’t take it back under any circumstances.”  The customer agreed and left with the rat.  As he walked home, he noticed that a live rat came scurrying out of an alley and began to follow him.  Soon there were more, all following him and milling bout his feet.  The man began to run, but the rats kept up, and more joined the procession.  After a few minutes, thousands of rats were chasing after the man.  The man ran frantically for the river, and threw the brass rat into the water.  The live rats followed the brass rat, and soon all had drowned.  The man returned to the curio shop, and on seeing him enter, the shopkeeper shouted, “I told you, the sale was final!  You cannot return the brass rat!”  The customer replied, “That’s no problem.  I just wondered if you had a brass lawyer in stock.”

A police chief, a fire chief, and a city attorney were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city.  Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse.  The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals.  After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn.  Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse.  The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep.  There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig.  The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief.  A short time later, another knock was heard at the door.  The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O’Leary’s cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman’s worst nightmare, that of burning to death.  The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn.  This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door.  When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.

A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed “Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man.”  The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked “Mommy, why did they bury two men there?”

Q:    Why are lawyers buried in deeper graves than other folks?
A:    Deep down, they’re much nicer people.

A woman went to her doctor for advice.  She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.  The doctor asked, “Do you enjoy it?”  She said that she did.  He asked, “Does it hurt you?”  She said that it didn’t.  The doctor then told her, “Well, then, there’s no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.”  The woman was mystified.  She asked “You can get pregnant from anal sex?”  The doctor replied, “Of course.  Where do you think attorneys come from?”

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him.  The Devil told the lawyer, “I have a proposition for you.  You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life.  Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money.  All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners.”  The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, “So, what’s the catch?”

It was so cold last week that I saw several attorneys with their hands in their own pockets.

Q:    What’s the difference between female prosecutors and terrorists?
A:    You can negotiate with terrorists.

A woman wrote to Dear Abby: I have a dilemma.  I am about to get married, but I haven’t been totally honest with my fiancé.  My mother is a well-known madam, my father is a convict, and my brother is a lawyer.  My sister sells heroin to the children at the school down the street.  She started doing that after my father got sent to prison for molesting her.  I also have a problem – I’m wanted in three states for embezzlement.  Taking all that into consideration, this is my question: how do I tell my fiancé about my brother the lawyer?

A hitchhiker is standing on the roadside near the law school with his thumb out.  A motorist stops, and asks, “Are you a lawyer?”  He tells him that he is not.  The motorist drives off.  A second motorist stops and asks, “Are you a lawyer?”  He again replies that he is not.  The motorist drives off.  A third motorist, this time a striking, voluptuous blonde, stops, and asks, “Are you a lawyer?”  The hitchhiker says that he is.  The girl tells him to get in, and off they go.  After a few minutes of admiring the driver, the hitchhiker exclaims, “This is really something.  I’ve only been a lawyer for five minutes, and already I’m thinking about screwing somebody!”

WISCONSIN 1994-1995 SEASON AND BAG LIMIT ON ATTORNEYS

  1. Any person with a valid Wisconsin hunting license may harvest attorneys.
  2. Attorneys may be taken with traps and deadfalls.  Currency may not be used as bait.
  3. Attorneys may not be killed with a motorized vehicle.  If accidentally struck, the hunter should move the carcass to the roadside, and proceed to a car wash.
  4. It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a snowmobile, watercraft, or aircraft.  Lawyers taken by the sudden backing of ambulances may be taken if properly tagged and recorded.  Marked police vehicles may be used as shooting platforms.
  5. It is unlawful to shout, “WHIPLASH,” “AMBULANCE,”  or “FREE SCOTCH” for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
  6. It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW or Mercedes dealerships.
  7. It is unlawful for a hunter to disguise himself  as a reporter, drug dealer, female law clerk, sheep, accident victim, physician, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
  8. Care should be used so as not to endanger any remaining species.  We would not want a repetition of the disaster that followed the “no limit” season on the subspecies “Honest Lawyer.”  That particular variety is now extinct.  Excessive harvesting of other species could dry up the supply of palm grease, cheap three-piece suits, and forked tongues that efficient dressing of lawyers’ carcasses yield.

SPECIAL NOTE: There is a $500 bounty on Silver-Tongued Narcotics Dealer-Defenders.  No season, no limit.

A man asked a lawyer his fee, and was told it was $50.00 for three questions.  “Isn’t that awfully steep?” he asked.  “Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”

Q:    Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
A:    New Jersey got first pick.

It seemed that the son of a Spanish lawyer graduated from college and was considering the future.  He went to his father, who had a very large office, and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner where he could observe his father’s activities.  He could be introduced to his father’s clients as a clerk.  This way, he could decide on whether or not to become a lawyer.  His father thought this to be a splendid idea, and this arrangement was set up immediately.
On his son’s first day at work, the first client in the morning was a rough-hewn man with calloused hands, in workman’s attire, who began the conversation as follows:
“Mr. Lawyer, I work for some people named Gonzales who have a ranch on the east side of town.  For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows.  I have raised, the cows, tended them, fed them, and it has always been my understanding and belief that I was the owner of the cows.  Mr. Gonzales died and his son has inherited the farm, and he believes that since the cows were raised on his ranch and fed on his hay, the cows are his.  In short, we have a dispute as to the ownership of the cows.”
The lawyer said, “I have heard enough.  I will take your case. DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!”
After the tenant farmer left, the next client came in.  A young, well-dressed man, clearly a member of the landed class.  “My name is Gonzales.  I own a farm on the east side of the town,” he said. “For many years, a tenant farmer has worked for my family tending the crops and animals, including some cows.  The cows have been raised on my land and fed on my hay, and I believe that they belong to me, but the tenant farmer believes that since he raised them and cared for them, they are his.  In short, we have a dispute over ownership of the cows.”
“I heard enough.  I’ll take your case. DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!”
After the client left, the son came over to his father with a look of concern. “My father, I know nothing of the law, but it seems to me that we have a serious problem regarding these cows.”
“DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!” said the lawyer.  “The cows will be ours!”

Q:    Why don’t lawyers go to the beach?
A:    Cats keep trying to bury them.

Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100..  She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill.  On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney’s mind: “Do I tell my partner?”

A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client.  The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading “Justice has triumphed!”  The client wired back, “Appeal at once!”

A man was sent to Hell for his sins.  As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he saw a lawyer making passionate love to a beautiful woman.  “What a ripoff,” the man muttered.  “I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.”  Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting Satan snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”

A lawyer was asked if he like to become a Jehovah’s Witness.  He declined, as he hadn’t seen the accident, but would still be interested in taking the case.

People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either being made.

The reason that there is a penalty for laughing in court is that otherwise the jury would never be able to hear the evidence.

A jury is a collection of people banded together to decide who hired the better lawyer.

Applying for a job, a new lawyer was asked if paying back his law school tuition would be any special problem.  He replied that he paid it back right after his first case.  When asked how he managed that, he said, “Well, my dad sued me for it and won.”

Q:    What’s the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A:    The rooster clucks defiance.

A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding.  He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in particular, “Lawyers are horses’ asses.”  One of the locals spoke up on hearing this: “Mister, watch what you say.  You’re in horse country.”

The lawyer wandered home at 3 AM.  His wife became very upset, telling him, “You’re late!  You said you’d be home by 11:45!”  The lawyer replied, “I’m right on time.  I said I’d be home by a quarter of twelve.”

Did you hear about the lawyer who stepped in cow dung, and thought that he was melting?

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.  The physician said, “Remember that, on the sixth day, God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon.  Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.”  The engineer replied, “But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer.  Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.”  Then, the lawyer spoke up, “Yes, but who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?”

Lorenzo Dow, an evangelist of the last century, was on a preaching tour when he came to a small town one cold winter’s night.  He entered the local general store to get some warmth, and saw the town’s lawyers gathered around the pot-bellied stove, discussing the town’s business.  Not one offered to allow Dow into the circle.  Dow told the men who he was, and that he had recently had a vision where he had been given a tour of Hell, much like the traveler in Dante’s Inferno.  When one of the lawyers asked him what he had seen, he replied, “Very much what I see here:  All of the lawyers, gathered in the hottest place.”

A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients.  When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it,” I’m sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I’m not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month.  I’ll have to get back to you then.”  He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, “Now, what can I do for you?”  “Nothing,” replied the man. “I’m here to hook up your phone.”

Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing.

The following is the text from a pamphlet attached to “Gummy Lawyers” candies, which are shaped like tiny sharks:

Gummy Lawyers: Like the real thing, they’ll leave a bad taste in your mouth.

Soon the irate calls will pour in.  Folks will protest the preposterousness of packaging sharks in airtight bags and labeling them as Gummy Lawyers.  Perhaps they’re right.  Such mean-spiritedness is unfair.  To the sharks.

Ichthyologists – scientists who study fish – contend that sharks, dreaded carnivores of the deep, have simply been given a bad rap.  They may stalk, snap at and swallow their prey alive, but, after all, they have to eat.  So far, no one has successfully defended lawyers for preying on an unwitting public. Beyond that, the similarities between the two species make them well-nigh indistinguishable:

“Shark” comes from the German “schurke,” meaning greedy parasite.  While no brave soul has gotten close enough to determine where lawyers come from, logic and common sense dictate a similar derivation.

Sharks, unlike most fish, have no bones; their skeletons are mad entirely of cartilage.  Lawyers, too, are spineless – as willing to argue one side of a case as the other.  For the right price.

Best known as scavengers of the dead and dying, sharks have well-honed sensors with which they can track the sounds of other injured and struggling beings.  They are also equipped with fine senses of smell that allow them to detect minute dilutions of blood (one part blood to one million parts water) up to one-quarter mile away.  Precisely the distance a hopeful personal injury lawyer will run behind an ambulance to toss a business card.

From the moment of birth, sharks’ skin is tough and rough – covered with thousands of tiny hard teeth call denticles that abrade any passerby made of softer stuff.  Lawyers are also thick-skinned.  Easily identified by their humorlessness and abrasive personalities, they are the bane of many social gatherings.

For many years, tiger sharks were the only animals known to harm each other while still in the womb; the first two sharks to hatch eat all the other egg capsules.  It was then discovered that while budding lawyers are somewhat more subtle, they are just as deadly.  Entire families have been found, bored to death, by the constant pronouncements of precocious lawyers-to-be.

A shark will swallow anything – up to half its own size – in one gulp.  Several hundred years ago, a naturalist wrote that the headless body of a knight in armor was found in a white shark’s stomach.  Inside another was more recently found a sea lion, a horse and the body of another seven-foot-long shark.  Lawyers, too, will swallow anything – even their pride – as increasing numbers of lawyer hopefuls trudge to law school each year for three years of browbeating in the hopes of financing their Porsches.

Some sharks even prey on their own kind.  The smell and taste of blood in the water can trigger them into an obsessed Feeding Frenzy, in which they often eat their own bodies while twisting and turning to get more food.  This is not unlike the Litigation Frenzy, where lawyers are pitted against other lawyers, and ultimately themselves, to waste reams of paper while losing sight of a fair resolution for their clients.

A doctor, a priest and a lawyer are caught out at sea when a storm breaks, battering their small boat with sheets of rain and blasts of wind.  Looking off the bow, they spot still more cause for pause: the surrounding waters are thick with circling sharks.  As the storm intensifies, it is clear that their only hope for survival is to swim for shore for help.  The three draw straws, and the lawyer, who gets the shortest, bravely jumps overboard.  At once, he is approached by a toothy shark.  “Jump on my back and I’ll take you in,” says the shark.  The lawyer hops on and grabs a fin.  The doctor and priest are awestruck.  “Hey,” explains the shark.  “It’s just professional courtesy.

(“Gummy Lawyers” were available for $5.31 postpaid from Nolo Press, 950 Parker St., Berkeley, CA 94710. Current availability is unknown.)

Q:    The tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an expensive, dishonest lawyer are in the same room.  There is a $500 bill on a table in the room.  When they leave, the money is gone.  Who took it?
A:    Since there is no such thing as the tooth fairy or an honest lawyer, the answer is obvious.

Q:    What can a goose do that a duck can’t do that a lawyer won’t do?
A:    Stick his bill up his ass.

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.  The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, “I never know how to handle the situation when I’m asked for medical advice during a social function.  Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?”  The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.  So, the next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill.
The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.

Q:    What do you call parachuting lawyers?
A:    Skeet.

Two lawyers were walking along the beach, when they saw two gorgeous girls lying in the sand.  One lawyer said to the other, “Hey, let’s go over there and screw those two girls.”  The other lawyer replied, “Sure.  Out of what?”

Q:    What’s the difference between lawyers and vultures?

A:      Vultures can’t take their wing tips off.
A:    The vulture eventually lets go.

Q:    What separates police officers from the lowest form of life on the earth?
A:    In the courtroom, it’s the partitions around the witness stand.

Q:    How do you greet a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A:    “Good morning, your honor.”

Q:    What do lawyers use for birth control?
A:    Their personalities.

Q:    What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A:    A boxing referee doesn’t get paid more for a longer fight.

A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, “I love my BMW, I love my BMW.”  Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree.  He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled.  “My BMW! My BMW!” he sobbed.  A good Samaritan drove ny and cried out, “Sir, sir, you’re bleeding – my God, your left arm is gone!”  The lawyer, horrified, screamed, “My Rolex!  My Rolex!”

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch.  A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double.  This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he’s had enough.  The bartender said, “I’ve got to ask you – what’s with the pocket business?”  The man replied, “I have my lawyer’s picture in there.  When he starts to look honest, I’ve had enough.”

Q:    How was copper wire invented?
A:    Two lawyers arguing over a penny.

A Bar Association charter flight was hijacked by terrorists.  When the terrorists made their press release, they said that, until their demands were met, they would release one lawyer per hour.

A man wanted very badly to see a Broadway play, but it took a year to get tickets.  He put in his order and waited.  Finally, the big day came and he went off to the theatre.  When he sat down, he saw a man in the seat in front of him, with an empty seat adjacent.  In conversation, he learned that the man was an attorney, and that he had purchased the other seat for his wife, who was unable to come at the last moment.  The astonished man asked the lawyer why he would let such a valuable commodity go to waste, not giving it to a friend or relative who wanted to come to the play.  The lawyer replied, “Yes, several of those wanted to come, but they’re all at my wife’s funeral.”

Lawyer: someone who makes sure that he gets what’s coming to you.

Q:    What do you get if you beat the shit out of a lawyer?
A:    An empty suit.

There’s an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts.  One of them studies to become a lawyer, the other decides to go straight.

Four out of five doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted island with no lawyers, they wouldn’t need any aspirin.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?

A lawyer discussing trial strategy with his partner said, “When I address the jury, I’ll plead for clemency.”
“Nothing doing!” shouted his partner.  “Let Clemency get his own lawyer!”

Q:    What is the difference between a poisonous snake and a lawyer?
A:    You can make a pet out of the snake.

Q:    What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
A:    Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.

Q:    Why should lawyers always be buried face down?
A:    If they wake up, they’ll start digging.

Q:    While driving down a desert highway, you see Kim Jong Un on one side of the road, and a lawyer on the other.  Which do you hit first?
A:      Kim.  Business before pleasure.

Q:    What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A:    One is a bottom-dwelling, garbage-eating scavenger.  The other is a fish.

The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up and said, “I have to go back to the office – I forgot to lock the safe!”  The other partner replied, “What are you worried about?  We’re both here.”

Q:    Why is it dangerous for lawyers to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
A:    The plumbers might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

A man went to a brain surgeon to request a brain transplant .  He noted prices were different for brains available from various donors.  A doctor’s brain was $500, a banker’s brain was $1500, and a scientist’s brain was $2500.  Then, he noticed in a far recess of the shelf, a jar marked with a price tag of $50,000.  When he inquired about the unusually high price, he was told, “Oh, that’s a lawyer’s brain – it’s never been used!”

Two boys were walking in the woods when one boy spied a nut on the ground.  When the other boy picked it up, they started to argue. One boy said, “The nut is mine, I saw it first.”  The other boy said, “The nut is mine, I have it in my possession.”  They were just about to fight when, luckily, along came a lawyer.  The boys appealed to the lawyer to adjudicate their dispute.  The lawyer thanked the boys for the opportunity and said, “I will settle your dispute this way.  Because you saw the nut first, I will give you this half.  Because you had the nut in your possession, I will give you this half.  And, for my fee, I’ll keep the meat.”

A man went to a lawyer for a defense after he had been caught embezzling millions from his employer.  He was concerned about going to jail, but was told by the attorney, “Don’t worry – you’ll never go to jail with all that money.”  The lawyer was right. When the man went to prison, he didn’t have a dime.

Q:    What’s the difference between a lawyer and a football?
A:    You get only three points for kicking a football between the uprights.

Two tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file.  The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter.  A few moments later, the front tiger feels what seems to be the other tiger’s tongue, applied just below his tail.  The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn’t want to start anything by bringing it up.  Then, the tiger again feels the tongue, again in the same place.  He decides to confront the after tiger, and asks him, “Did you just lick me twice in the butt?”  The other tiger replied: “Yeah, sorry about that.  I just ate a lawyer and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth.”

Q:    Why are there so many lawyers?
A:    No one would stand in line to see one.

Three surgeons were discussing their favorite type of patients.  The first said: “I like artists.  When you cut them open, they are awash with color inside.”  The second doctor said, “I much prefer engineers.  When you cut them open, everything is orderly and numbered.”  “Nonsense,” said the third doctor.  “The easiest are attorneys.  They have only two parts – their mouth and their rears – and those are interchangeable.”

Q:    What’s the difference between baseball and law?
A:    In baseball, if you’re caught stealing, you’re out.

“You’re a cheat!” shouted the lawyer’s client.  “You’re a scoundrel!  You’ve kept me hanging for months and got rich on my case alone!”
“That’s gratitude,” said the offended lawyer.  “And right after I named my new yacht after you.”

Q:    What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A:    A leech will drop off when its victim dies.

Q:    A lawyer and an IRS agent jump off the Empire State Building at the same time.  Who will hit first?
A:    Who cares?

After years of hard work, Joe took his first vacation on a luxury cruise ship.  In a deck chair, he recognized a former high school classmate, a long-lost friend from his old hometown.  He crossed the deck, seized his friend’s hand, and said, ‘Hello, Pete.  I haven’t seen you in years.  What are you doing these days?”  “I’m practicing law,” whispered Pete.  “But don’t tell my mother.  She thinks I’m still a pimp.”

Q:    What do you get if you cross a lawyer with a drunk pig?
A:      Nothing.  There are some things even a drunk pig won’t do.

You’ve heard of the car that runs on methane gas from chicken shit?  They have made it into a perpetual motion machine by giving free rides to lawyers.

A farmer had just bought the best used car he could afford, and he was driving it home.  One of the town’s lawyers was hitching a ride by the side of the road where his BMW had broken down.  The farmer picked him up.  Being his usual degrading self, the lawyer asked the farmer, “How do you like this new manure spreader you got here?”  The farmer replied, “Don’t know yet.  You’re the first load I’ve hauled.”

If builders built buildings the way lawyers write laws, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.

Q:    What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A:     They’re both squirmy, both live in slime, and only one in 250 million accomplishes anything worthwhile.

Two doctors were discussing a case in the psych ward.  The first doc asked what had triggered such a profound depressive psychosis in the patient.  The second one answered, “He’s a lawyer.  One day at home,  he started to think about how much money he’d screwed his partners and clients out of over the last few years.  He laughed so hard he defecated in his pants.  When he smelled the foul odor he had created, he checked for the source.  Finding his trousers full of the stuff, he thought he was leaking.  This caused him to go into shock and faint.  When he woke up,  he found he had fallen on his arm, breaking it.”   The first doc asked,  “He went mad because he broke an arm?”   The second medico answered,  “No, he went mad because he couldn’t figure out how to sue himself!”

Q:    What is the difference between a flea and a lawyer?
A:    One is a parasite that sucks the living blood out of you and is linked with the Black Death.  The other is a small insect.

A fellow walks into a bar with a ten-inch, scowling man on his shoulder.  He orders a drink.  The little man jumps off the shoulder,  drinks a third of the drink and climbs back up.  The fellow then orders a sandwich.  The little man likewise devours a third of the sandwich.   After this goes on for two more drinks, the bartender says, “Hey buddy,  I don’t usually pry into customers’ private affairs, but what the heck is it with that little guy?”  The customer replies, “Well, I found a bottle on the beach.  When I uncorked it,  out popped a genie.  He gave me one wish.  I asked for a 10-inch prick, and the genie shrunk my lawyer!”

A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, “Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make.  The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way.  The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way.  In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense.”

Q:    How does a pregnant woman know that she is carrying a future lawyer?
A:    She has an extreme craving for baloney.

Q:    What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
A:    All the information you need – but you can’t understand a word of it.

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?  It’s called Sosumi.

A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family.  Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted.  “Darling, it was just a shark,” assured his wife when he came to.  “You’ve got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere.”

A quote attributed to one of America’s founders, John Adams, in the play 1776: “I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, two men are called a law firm, and three or more become a Congress.”

These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean.  After 37 hours in the air, George says “Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are”. Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says,”I still can’t tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground”.  So, Harry yells down to the man “Hey, could you tell us where we are?”. And the man on the ground yells back “You’re in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air”. George turns to Harry and says “That man must be a lawyer.” Harry says, “How can you tell?”. George says, “Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless”.

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn.  The last time he’d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper’s daughter.  Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
“Helen, why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?” he cried. “I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!”
“Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin’ and talkin’ and decided it would be better to have a illegitimate grandchild in the family than a lawyer.”

Q:    Why do lawyers display a copy of their bar association cards on their dashboards?
A:    So they can park in handicapped zones.

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year.  Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him.  The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country – rising early and living in the great outdoors.  Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast.  As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears – a male and a female.  Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover.  His friend, though, wasn’t so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.  The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff.  The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.  Sure enough, the two bears were still there. “He’s in THAT one!” cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend’s family danced in his head.  He just had to save his friend.  The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun,took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.  “Whatdya do that for!” exclaimed the lawyer, “I said he was in the other!”  “Exactly,” replied the sheriff, “and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?”

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.  The Russian takes a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: “In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world – nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in the Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away…” Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it.  All the others are quite impressed.  The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it, and begins to smoke it, saying: “In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigars and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away…”. Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.  At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it…

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.  The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”  The lawyer answers, “Absolutely.”  “Then you owe me $8.50.  Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.”  The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 .  Several periods of time later — it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic — the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.

An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in his attorney’s office as he went over his new will.  “Your estate is very complex,” said the lawyer, “but I’ve made sure that all of your wishes will be executed.  Because of the complexity of your case, my fee will be $4500.”  At that point, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call.  The client, thinking that the lawyer had said “$500,” wrote out a check for that amount and left.  When the lawyer saw the check, he ran out of the building, only to see the client’s car disappearing in traffic.  “Oh, well,” thought the lawyer, “$500 for one hour’s work isn’t bad.”

Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were eager to know how it had ended so quickly.  The general told them, “We had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front.  It was made entirely of lawyers and accountants.  When the time came to charge – boy, did they know how to charge!”

A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question, “Have you ever been arrested?”  He answered, “no.”  The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was “Why?”  The lawyer answered it anyway: “Never got caught.”

Two attorneys took a long safari vacation in the African Bush.  One day, they took a rest, removed their packs, and leaned their rifles against a tree.  They were startled when a large, hungry-looking lion emerged from the jungle and began eyeing them with anticipation.  It was clear that the attorneys’ rifles were too far away to do them any good.  One attorney began to remove his shoes, and was asked by the other why he was doing that.  The man replied, “Because I can run faster without them.”  The first lawyer told him, “I don’t care how fast you can run, you’ll never outrace that lion.”  The now-barefoot attorney told him, “I don’t have to outrun the lion.  I just have to outrun you.”

One morning at the law office, one attorney looked at the other and said, “Wow, you look really terrible this morning.”  The other lawyer replied, “Yeah, I woke up with a headache this morning and, no matter what I try, I can’t seem to get rid of it.”  The first lawyer told him, “Whenever I get a headache like that, I take a few hours off during the day, go home, and make love to my wife.  Works every time for me.”  Later that afternoon, the two lawyers met again.  The first told the second, “You know, you look 100% better than this morning.”  The second replied, “Yeah, that was great advice you gave me.  You’ve got a beautiful house, too. ”

Jack and Mugs, two second-story men from Flatbush, were comparing notes on recent burglaries.  “Didja get anything on that last heist?” Jack asked. “Nuttin’ at all,” Mugs admitted. “Toins out that the guy that lives there’s a lawyer.”  “Jeez, ain’t that the breaks,” his friend sympathized.  “Didja lose anything?”

Have you seen the current remake of the movie “Cape Fear?”  It’s about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer.  The question is, while watching the movie, whom do you root for?

Q:    What do a baker and an attorney have in common?
A:    They both enjoy carving up the pie.

A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander.  “Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them,” instructed the lawyer.  The witness hesitated.  “But they were unfit for any respectable person to hear!”  “Then,” said the attorney, “just whisper them to the judge.”

A doctor told his patient that his test results indicated that he had a rare, incurable disease and that he had only six months to live.  “Isn’t there anything I can do?” the patient asked.  “Marry a lawyer,” answered the doctor. “It will be the longest six months of your life.”

Eternity: one lawyer waiting for the other.

There is a finite number of physicians that a population of fixed size will support.  The same theory holds for teachers and engineers.  However, this principle does not seem to apply to lawyers.  The more you have, the more you need.

Q:    You are in a room with Mussolini, Hitler, and the lawyer of your choice.  You have a gun, but only two bullets.  Which do you shoot?
A:    The lawyer, twice.

Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers?  People were confused about which side to spit on.

She:  You just don’t care anymore!
He:   You’re just upset.  Why don’t I buy you something to make you feel better?
She:  Like what?
He:   How about a trip to Europe?
She:  No.
He:   What about a new Jaguar?
She:  No.
He:   Well, what DO you want?
She:  A divorce.
He:      (Pause) I wasn’t planning on spending that much.

The reason that law schools have been described as “a place for the accumulation of learning” is that first-year students bring some in, and third-year students take none out – and so knowledge accumulates.

Q:    What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A:    You cry when you cut up an onion.

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars.  Only one could go, and he couldn’t return to Earth.  The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going.  “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”  The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question.  He asked for two million dollars.  “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”  The last applicant was a lawyer.  When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”  “Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.  The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”

What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers?

1. How much money do you have?

2. Where can you get more?
3. Do you have anything you can sell?

Q:    How many lawyer jokes are there?
A:    Only three.  The balance are documented case histories.

One day at the pearly gates, St.Peter met Chief Justice Rehnquist, who was applying for admission.  St. Peter looked at his ledger, and then looked back at the Chief Justice and said, “Uh,there’s a little problem.  It says here that you were Chief Justice of the United States, yet you had very little regard for the Constitution.”  The Chief Justice looked positively shocked and hurt, and protested, “Oh, no, St.Peter, I’ve never had any problem with the Constitution–just the amendments!”

An elementary-school teacher heard children wailing and crying and rushed to the playground to see what was wrong.  There, she found Marc, Chuck, and Laura, the latter crying furiously.  When she asked what had happened, Marc told her, “Chuck took Laura’s orange.  Then she hit him on the head and called him several dirty names, and he kicked her in the stomach.”  The teacher replied, “Well, then, we’ll all have to go to the principal’s office.  Where is the orange now?”  Marc smiled and produced the orange from his pocket.  “I have the orange.  I’m Laura’s lawyer.”

A young attorney was attending a funeral.  Another mourner arrived late and asked the lawyer, “Where are they in the service?”  The attorney gestured at the minister and replied, “He’s just opening for the defense.”

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client’s jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.  The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.  When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.  “”Sure did,” the juror replied, “the other eleven wanted to acquit.”

John and Joe had been law partners for many years, sharing everything, most especially the affections of their libidinous secretary, Rose.  One morning, an agitated John came to Joe with the bad news, “Rose is pregnant!  We’re going to be a father!”  Joe, the more reserved of the two, calmed his partner and reminded him that things could be much worse.  They were both well-off, and could easily afford the costs of raising the child.  Rose would have the best care available, her child would attend only the finest schools, and neither would want for anything.  The child would have the benefit of having two fathers, both of which were caring and well-educated.  Gradually, John got used to the idea of fatherhood.  When the big day came, both were at the hospital awaiting the news of their offspring’s birth.  Finally, John could take no more and went outside to take a walk. When he returned an hour later, Joe had the news.  “We had twins,” said Joe, “and mine died.”

Several men were drinking in a local tavern, when one decided that he had enough and started for home.  He swayed violently as he walked, even though he really hadn’t had that much to drink.  When one of the newer patrons asked why the man walked that way, he was told that the drinker had been a sailor for 30 years, and still walked as if he was on a ship’s deck in heavy weather.  The man thought this to be nonsense.  He started to make violent pelvic thrusts against the bar as he told his friends, “I’ve been a lawyer for 35 years, and I don’t have to do this when I walk!”

Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense.  “You must swear to tell the complete truth.  Do you understand?”  The client replied that he did.  The lawyer then asked, “Do you know what will happen if you don’t tell the truth?  ” The client looked back and said, “I imagine that our side will win.”

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, “Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?”  The student replied, “Here’s an orange.”  The professor was livid.  “No! No!  Think like a lawyer!”  The student then recited, “Okay, I’d tell him, ‘I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…”

The lawyer was in the summation of his case: “And, if it please the court, if I am wrong in this, I have another argument that is equally conclusive.”

“Nasty looking crew you got to handle out there this morning, judge,” said the court officer.  “Where did the cops find all those crooks?”  The judge replied, “The crooks won’t be here for another fifteen minutes.  Those are the lawyers.”

Two schoolgirls were having an argument.  “My dad’s better than your dad. He’s a carpenter and makes buildings.”  The other girl replied, “My dad does better than that.  He’s a lawyer, and makes loopholes.”

A Baptist minister had the misfortune to be seated next to an attorney on his flight home.  After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.  The attorney asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.  The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.  The minister replied in disgust, “I’d rather savagely rape a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips.”  The attorney then handed his drink back to the attendant and told her with delight, “I didn’t know there was a choice.”

Pete and Jerry had been law partners for many years.  One day, Pete fell ill, and grew progressively worse.  Medical specialists were called in from the world over, but no one could diagnose Pete’s illness.  The only thing that seemed certain was that Pete’s death was imminent.  As Pete lay in his last hours, he felt obligated to reveal a few secrets to Jerry.  “You know that million dollar settlement we got from Morgan last year?  I never told you this, but it was really three million.  I kept the other two million, and eventually gambled it away.  Can you forgive me? ”  Jerry said that he would, without question.  Pete then told him, “Well, you remember when your wife divorced you and got the big alimony judgement?  It was me that gave her the inside information on your finances.  I had been screwing her for years.  How can you forgive me?”  Jerry told his friend, once again, that it was forgotten.  After Pete had told of several other transgressions, all of which Jerry forgave, Pete began to look at Jerry as saintly.  “How can you be so forgiving, after the way I have cheated and lied to you for so many years?”  Jerry answered, “For two reasons, Pete.  First, because you will soon be dead, and there’s no reason to hate you in the grave.  And, secondly, because I poisoned you.”

Tadbury was an entrepreneur with a reputation for dishonesty.  One day, he went to Smythe, a new but talented attorney.  He told Smythe that he wouldn’t pay any fees unless there seemed a clear cause of legal action.  Smythe agreed to evaluate the case.  After a lengthy discussion, Smythe told  Tadbury, “Your case is absolutely airtight.  The other party is dead wrong, and cannot hope to win the case.  I will be happy to represent you for a retainer of $10,000.”  Tadbury then got up to leave.  The attorney protested, “But I told you that your case was good, and you agreed to pay me if you had a claim!  You have to pay me my fee!”  Tadbury replied, “Absolutely not.  I’m leaving town.  I told you the other guy’s side.”

The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the attorney rushed to the judge’s chambers, demanding that the case be reopened.  He said that he had new evidence that made a huge difference in his defense.  “What new evidence could you have?” said the judge.  The attorney replied, “My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!”

Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant.  The judge ordered Taylor, “You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can.”  After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone.  When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, “You asked me to give him good advice.  I found out that he was guilty as hell, so I told him to split.”

Believing in predestination, a new father set out three objects on the dining room table in preparation for his son’s arrival home from school.  The first object was a $100 bill.  “That represents high finance.  If he takes this, he’s go into business.”  The second object was a Bible.  “If he takes this one, he’ll be a man of the cloth.”  The third object was a bottle of cheap whiskey.  “If he goes for this one, he’ll be a drunkard!”  The father and his wife then hid where they could see their son’s approach.  Soon, the son entered the room and examined each article briefly.  He then checked to make sure that he was alone.  Not seeing anyone, he stuffed the money in his pocket, put the Bible under his arm, and strolled out of the room draining the whiskey.  The father looked at his wife and beamed, “How about that!  He’s going to be a lawyer!”

Mr. Wilson was the chairman of the United Way, which had never received a donation from the most successful lawyer in town.  He called on the attorney in an attempt to make him mend his ways.  “Our research shows that you made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a dime to the community charities!  What do you have to say for yourself?”  The lawyer replied, “Do you know that my mother is dying of a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?  Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair?  Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her with three children?”  The charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this.  “Well, since I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

Having just had judgement entered against him, Mr. Walters was upset to be handed his attorney’s bill.  “It says here that I have to pay you $5,000 now and $500 a month for the next five years!  It’s like I was buying a top-of-the-line Mercedes!”  The lawyer smiled and replied, “You are.”

Billy, Bobby and Joe had a spree in the fruit orchard. They tore all the fruit from the trees, gorged themselves, then threw fruit and generally vandalized the place.  When the farmer caught them, he called the sheriff and had them taken into custody.  When the boys appeared before the judge after spending a night in jail, he asked them if they had learned their lesson.  The first boy replied, “Yes, sir.  All that fruit made me sick.  My dad’s a doctor, and he told me never to do that again!”  The second boy was from a military family, “My dad told me that if I ever get in trouble with the law again, I can kiss West Point goodbye!”  The third boy told the judge, “You bet I won’t do it.  My dad’s a lawyer, and I’m gonna sue that farmer for damages to my pants that got tore jumping his fence!”

An indigent client who had been injured in an accident went looking for a lawyer to represent him without cost.  One lawyer told him that he would take the case on contingency.  When the client asked what “contingency” was, the lawyer replied, “If I don’t win your lawsuit, I don’t get anything.  If I do win your lawsuit, you don’t get anything.”

A car thief was taken to trial and acquitted.  The next day, he was back in court demanding to have his attorney arrested.  When the judge asked why he would want such a thing done to the man who had gotten him off, he was told, “But, your Honor – I didn’t have the money to pay my attorney’s fees, so he went and took the car I stole!”

“Some people think about sex all of the time, some people think about sex some of the time, and some people never think about sex: they become lawyers.”
-Woody Allen

The down-on-his-luck attorney was sitting in the bar, nursing his beer.  “How it going?”  asked a colleague.  “Terrible.  I just got evicted from my office.  I wrote up the papers myself.  Never would have done it if I hadn’t needed the money so bad.”

Ann was desperate when she walked into the bank vault where she worked, stuffed $50,000 into her purse, and left the building.  She couldn’t go through with the crime, however, and called her attorney, who advised her to steal $50,000 more and bring it to his office with the rest of the money.  Befuddled, she did this, then managed to get away with her deed when her attorney wrote the following letter:” Ann, terribly pressed, stole $100,000 from your bank.  Her faithful family, despite their best efforts, was unable to raise more than $50,000, which they offer to return if you will not prosecute…”

From the Law School Admission test:  A prospective client comes into your office and asks you to represent him in a contract dispute. As the client relates the facts of the case to you, you realize that he has an excellent chance of winning. You also realize that you sympathize with the other party, and indeed the client’s motives are reprehensible. But the fact is, everyone is entitled to competent representation.  Your decision on whether to accept representation of this client should be based on:

A)  The client’s ability to pay your fee; or
B)  The client’s ability to pay your fee; or
C)  The client’s ability to pay your fee; or
D)  The client’s ability to pay your fee.

A man called his lawyer one day to ask a routine question about an ongoing matter with which both parties were familiar.  The lawyer gave a quick routine answer, and the entire phone conversation took no more than 60 seconds.  The man was understandably a little dismayed to find a bill from the lawyer in his mail a few days later.  The bill charged for 1/4 hour of consultation time,the minimum billing increment, at the lawyer’s rate of $225 per hour.  The client grumbled considerably as he wrote out the check for more than $50.  Two weeks later, while out for a walk, the client happened to walk past the lawyer’s house.  The lawyer was outside, watering his lawn, and waved to the client.  The client walked over and said, “Nice day, isn’t it?  Wait a minute–DON’T ANSWER THAT!!!!”

A seasoned pro loses on a robbery trial.  Client turns to him and says “Well, where do we go from here?”  Pro replies “Son, you’re going to prison, I’m going to lunch!”

Scientist and lawyer discussing marvels of technology.  Lawyer is asked to identify an invention that he would classify as “miraculous.”  Answer: the thermos bottle.  Why the thermos bottle?  “When you put hot things in it, it keeps them hot, and when you put cold things in it, it keeps them cold.”
So what’s the miracle?  “How does it know?”

Young person is approached by the  devil, who shows him the two paths in life to follow (the straight and narrow and well, you know…).  Also shows him hell, to which, as we all know, the latter path leads. Young person observes masses of people enjoying all manner of earthly pleasures, possessing all the goods than one might want, and in general, enjoying themselves immensely.  Chooses the devil’s path and becomes the stereotypical lawyer. Years pass, no longer young person dies, goes to hell, and is greeted by the devil. He is assigned to a cell, from which he observes people being subjected to all manner of hideous tortures.  He is told that his will start in the morning. Puzzled, the lawyer, who followed the devil’s path to the very best of his ability asks: “But what happened to what I saw when you showed this place to me years ago when you “signed me up?”  The Devil responds, “Oh, you must have been here during our summer associate program.”

Here are excerpts from a book by Steve Kluger called “Lawyers Say the Darndest Things,” Ivy Books, June 1990.  Mr. Kluger, a novelist and journalist, worked part-time for years in the word processing departments of some law firms in Southern California (reprinted from Empire State Court Notes Apr/May 1991):

Please notify us immediately if you do not receive this letter.
It appears that we will have a difficult time obtaining a defense verdict if this case is tried before a live jury.
We are refraining from providing you with copies of the medical records, which are enclosed.
Enclosed is our status report on this matter.  Please be advised that this case is a mess.
Plaintiff states it is her belief that her neck injuries were caused by a jerk.
Please find enclosed copies of the plaintiff.
Plaintiff weighs 125 pounds with a driver’s license.
The bus operator claims he ran over the plaintiff because he was behind schedule.
The court, in its discretion, is permitted to strike irrelevant, redundant and redundant matters.
Have you suffered a loss of smell in either ear?
He suffered a fracture to his left foreman.

Did you hear about the two gay judges that tried each other?

Having passed on, the lawyer found himself with the devil in a room filled with clocks.  Each clock turned at a different speed and was labeled with the name of a different occupation.  After examining all of the clocks,  the lawyer turned to the devil and said, “I have two questions,  First why does each clock move at a different speed?”  The devil replied, ‘They turn at the rate at which that occupation sins on the earth.  What is your second question?”  The lawyer asked where the attorney’s clock was, as he couldn’t seem to find it.  The devil looked puzzled, then his face brightened and he replied, “Oh, we keep that one in the workshop.  It’s used as a fan.”

Q:    Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A:

  • If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
  • Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled.
  • When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Lawyer’s mother: “My son is a brilliant attorney. He can look at a contract and instantly tell you whether it’s verbal or written.”

“For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.”
-Gore Vidal

The lawyer was beginning to grasp at straws during his cross-examination.  “You say, Mrs. Dawson, that this took exactly five minutes?”  The witness replied that she was sure.  “I am going to give you a test.  I want you to tell me when exactly five minutes has passed – starting now.”    The lawyer was intently watching a stopwatch taken from his briefcase.  At five minutes, to the second, the witness gave the signal.  The lawyer told her, “That’s quite remarkable.  How did you gauge the time so accurately?”  Mrs. Dawson replied, “I watched the clock on the wall behind you.”

Turnbull, a wealthy New York City attorney, decided to take a few days’ vacation and visit his poor cousin in the Appalachians.  As he set on the rickety porch of his cousin’s shanty home, he told him, “You know, Henry, you should have followed me and studied the law.  Not a man alive could enjoy living in this filth.  I make a thousand dollars a day, easy.”  Cousin Henry replied, “Honestly?”  Turnbull replied, “What’s the difference?”

The Wall Street attorney sent his only son, a notorious ne’er-do-well, to his alma mater law school, promising him a gift of $10,000 if he would male the Law Review in one year.  At the end of the son’s first year, the law student called his father and told him that he had wonderful news for him.  “Dad – I’m saving you $10.000!”

Lawyer: One skilled in circumvention of the law.

Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission.
-Ambrose Bierce

Q:    What do you have when there is only one lawyer in town?
A:    Too little work.

Q:    What do you have when there are two lawyers in town?
A:    Too much work.

“A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, any more than a good mortician wants to finish the job and then have the patient sit up on the table.”
-Jean Kerr

“There was a young lawyer who showed up at a revival meeting and was asked to deliver a prayer.  Unprepared, he gave a prayer from a lawyer’s heart: ‘Stir up much strife amongst thy people, Lord, lest thy servant perish.'”
-Senator Sam Ervin

“A judge is a law student who marks his own test papers.”
-H.L. Mencken

Despite his best efforts, the lawyer’s client was convicted of murder and sentenced to die in the electric chair.  On the eve of his execution, the convict called his attorney for last-minute advice.  He was told, “Don’t sit down.”

“An incompetent attorney can delay a lawsuit for years.  A competent attorney can delay one even longer.”
-Evelle J. Younger

The following is only a kind-of-lawyer joke, but I thought it should be included anyway.  It is provided courtesy of Jim McNulty, a constable (retired) with the Strathclyde Police Force in Scotland:

I was recently at a CID Special services annual smoker where one of the speakers was a well known Indian lawyer.  One of my colleagues told a great story in response to some of the lawyer’s speech:
The lawyer is apparently a great fan of very hot curries, so after a trying day in court he heads home via the local takeaway where he orders his usual extra hot vindaloo.  He gets it home and pours it onto a metal plate, being careful not to spill it on the table in case it burns a hole through it. He goes to the fridge for some beer and returns to find that his cat has eaten the entire curry meal.  Normally a peaceable person, he is incensed by this, and he grabs the unfortunate animal, which he throws into a sack, weighed down by various law books which he has never read anyway.  He puts the sack into his new Mercedes 500SLC (recent robbery acquittal) and drives it out to Loch Ness, where he throws the sack into the middle of the loch. He drives home via the takeaway only to find that it is closed for the night.  He returns home in a foul temper and finds that he has no food in the kitchen, only beer and very expensive whisky (recent murder acquittal) and is having a beer by the fireside when he hears the doorbell ringing.  He opens the door and sees the cat standing on the doorstep, soaking wet.  It says,…..
“Is there any more water?”

An Amish man is injured when he and his horse are struck by a car in an intersection.  The man sues the driver of the car, and the driver’s attorney is cross-examining the victim, trying to impeach his testimony:
Lawyer:      “Mr. Smith, you have told us about all these grievous injuries you suffered in this alleged accident.  Isn’t it true, though, that you told the investigating officer at the scene of the incident that you were not injured at all?”
Smith:      “Please let me explain.  When the officer arrived on the scene, the first thing he did was walk up to my horse.  He said ‘Looks like this one has a broken leg,’ and then he took out his service revolver and shot the horse.  Then he came up to me and asked me how I was doing.  Of course I immediately yelled,  “I’m fine!”

When the lawyer arrived he asked St. Peter if a particular friend was in heaven, the friend had been a Federal judge who had died a few months before.  St. Peter replied that there were no Federal Judges in Heaven. The next day the lawyer saw someone walking along in long black robes with two Federal marshals with him. Later he asked St. Peter about this he did not want to rock the boat but that he thought he’d seen a Federal judge. He described the scene and St. Peter laughed.  St. Peter then explained, “That’s not a federal judge, that’s God.  He just thinks he’s a Federal judge.”

In this recession, times are tough everywhere, but in Chicago things are so bad that the Mafia had to lay off seven judges.

Two old friends stopped for a drink after work.  “I don’t understand,” Condy complained.  “People take an instant dislike to me when they find out I’m a lawyer.  Why would they do that?”
“Maybe,” her companion suggested, “it just saves time.”

Defendant:      “You know, I hate coming out here at seven in the morning and having to sit downstairs with a bunch of criminals.”
The Court:       “I have to do the same thing every day.”
Defendant:       “Yeah, but you don’t have to sit down in a holding tank with ’em.”
The Court:       “Every day I come in and I meet the dregs of society, and then I have to meet their clients.  Think of that.”

A man standing in line to see a movie felt hands touch his neck, then begin to massage gently.  He started to turn around, but the presence of the hands and the pleasant sensation stopped him.  The hands worked down to his shoulders, and he continued to enjoy the feeling.  However, when the hands began kneading at the small of his back, he turned around to see a small middle-aged man standing behind him.  He asked the man what he was doing. “You see, I’m a chiropractor, and watching you stand there, radiating all that tension and stress, was just too much for me.  I wanted to take a moment and show you how much better you could feel.”  The first man replied, “Well, keep your hands to yourself.  I’m a lawyer – you don’t see me standing here screwing people, do you?”

Q:    What do beavers and lawyers have in common?
A:    They both get in the mainstream and dam it up.

Q:    How can you tell if your lawyer is well hung?
A:    You can barely get your finger between his neck and the noose.

Q:    If you laid all the lawyers in the world end to end, how far would they reach?
A:    Into the pocket of the next one.

Q:    How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:    Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as ”The Lawyer”, and the party of the second part, also known as “The Light Bulb”, do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the Party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. , the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, and delineated by the beginning of the carpet, and any spill over illumination behind as the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required in the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1.) The Party of the first Part (Lawyer) shall  with or without elevation at his or her option, by means of a chair,  stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb)  and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable.   Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such else the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable unidirectional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout. 2) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (Receptacle), the party of the first part (Lawyer) .shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. 3) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option to begin installation of the party of the fourth part (New Light Bulb). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self- same document, that installation to be performed in a clockwise direction without negotiation.

NOTE- The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer) by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as “The Firm.”

On the first night of their hunting trip together, a CPA, a lawyer, and an engineer sat around the campfire talking and drinking until well into the night.  The CPA suddenly said, “Watch this,” threw his whiskey glass into the air, pulled out his gun, and shot it before it hit the ground.  The lawyer, not to be outdone, downed his brandy, threw the snifter into the air, pulled out his rifle and shot the glass before it hit the ground.  The engineer slowly raised his shotgun, shot the CPA, shot the lawyer, took a swig from his can of beer and muttered, “It doesn’t get any better than this.”

Mrs. Martin went to see her gynecologist before her fourth marriage.  After the examination, the doctor seemed confused.  “You’re a virgin! How is that possible?”  “My first husband was a psychiatrist,” she explained.  “He analyzed it all the time.  My second husband was an English Literature professor.  He wrote about it all the time.  My third husband was a contractor and always said that he would get around to it.  But now I’m marrying a lawyer, so I’m certain to get screwed!”

Law Firms That Probably Exist Somewhere
Schiester & Schiester Bill, Padding & Howe Slippe, Falle & Sioux
French, Frye & Coke Killer & Ketcham Hooke, Line & Sinker
Chase and Hsu Bleadum & Pleadem Cheatam & Fleesum
Wangle, Finagle & Settle Bicker, Back & Forth Skinam, Alive & Flee
Hough, Puff & Blowe I Can’t Believe It’s A Law Firm Payne & Suffrin
Grinn & Barrett Bobbit, Gilhooley & Buttafuoco Dewey, Cheatam & Howe

Olmstead did not excel at public speaking, but he didn’t let this shortcoming stand in his way of achieving his ambition to become a trial lawyer.  At the end of his first murder case, he was in the midst of his closing argument, a fervent appeal to the jury to acquit his client.  He sent a note over to one of his law partners who was observing the trial.  “How am I doing?” Olmstead asked.
“Keep talking,” the partner replied. “The longer you talk, the longer he lives.”

Q:    How many lawyers does it take to wallpaper a room?
A:    Only two, but you have to slice them real thin.

“75% of lawyers surveyed said that they would not want their children to become lawyers.  I was shocked.  They let lawyers have children?”
-David Letterman, The Late Show, December 16, 1994

Q:    What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
A:    A whine cellar.

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. “All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”

A true story from a reader, who writes that it occurred during her stint of jury duty:  I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his question, “Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?” We stiffened and hesitated. Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, “I do.”

Q:    Why should lawyers wear lots of suncreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
A:       Because they’re used to doing all of their lying indoors.

Q:    What is the definition of a lawyer?
A:    A mouth with a life-support system.

Q:    Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are “avocat” in French)
A:    Both have hearts like stones.

Q:    Why is walking into a Bar Association meeting like going to a bait shop?
A:    Where else could you expect to find suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers?

Q:    What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
A:    The vulture doesn’t get Frequent Flyer Miles.

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take for a lawyer?

At the rate law schools are turning them out, by the year 2000 there will be more lawyers than humans.

Court: A room wherein are commonly found large numbers of thieves, rapists, muggers, arsonists, perverts, degenerates and lawyers.

There are two kinds of lawyers, those that know the law and those that know the judge.

A small town that can’t support one lawyer can always support two.

“Lawyer: One skilled in circumvention of the law.”
–Ambrose Bierce

“Lawyer: An individual whose principal role is to protect his clients from others of his profession.”
–Anonymous

“All in all I’d rather have been a judge than a miner. And what’s more, being a miner, as soon as you are too old and tired and sick and stupid to do the job properly, you have to go. Well, the very opposite applies with judges.”
–Peter Cook

“I was never ruined but twice–once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I gained one.”
–Voltaire

Two lawyers when a knotty case was o’er,
Shook hands, and were as friendly as before.
Said the client, “Tell me how
You can be friends, who fought just now.”
“Thou fool!” said one. “We lawyers, though so keen,
Like shears, ne’er cut ourselves, but what’s between.”
–Burl Ives

“There are three sorts of lawyers: able, unable and lamentable.”
–Robert Smith Surtees

“I used to be a lawyer, but now I am a reformed character.”
–Woodrow Wilson

“The minute you read something you don’t understand, you can be almost sure it was drawn up by a lawyer.”
–Will Rogers

“Virtue in the middle,” said the Devil, as he sat down between two lawyers.”
–Danish proverb

“I decided law was the exact opposite of sex; even when it was good it was lousy.”
–Mortimer Zuckerman

“Lawyers: persons who write a 10,000 word document and call it a brief.”
–Franz Kafka

“When there are too many policemen, there can be no liberty;
When there are too many soldiers, there can be no peace;
When there are too many lawyers, there can be no justice.”
–Lin Yutang

“Lawyers have been know to wrest from reluctant juries triumphant verdicts of acquittal for their clients, even when those clients, as often happens, were clearly and unmistakably innocent.”
–Oscar Wilde

May you have a lawsuit in which you are sure you are right.
–Mexican curse

“Lawyers may often do well, but not often by doing good…even when they try.”
–Charles E. Sherman

“I, Lucius Titus, have written this, my testament, without any lawyer, following my own natural reason rather than excessive and miserable diligence.”
–The Will of a Citizen of Rome

St Yves is from Brittany
A lawyer but not a thief
Such a thing is beyond belief
–14th century rhyme

“Litigation is a machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.”
–Ambrose Bierce

For a good time, hire a hooker,
For a lot of time, hire my attorney.
–Anonymous Prison Cell Graffiti

“It is hard to say whether the doctors of law or of divinity have made the greater advances in the lucrative business of mystery.”
–Samuel Goldwyn

“When you have no basis for an argument, abuse the plaintiff.”
–Cicero

“A man who dies without a will has lawyers for his heirs.”
–Anonymous

“Necessity knows no law, I know some lawyers are the same.”
–Benjamin Franklin.

“Lawyers earn a living by the sweat of browbeating others.”
–James Gibbons Haneker

“The law is an ass.”
–Charles Dickens

“In the law, the only thing certain is the expense.”
–Samuel Butler

“A country man between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.”
–Benjamin Franklin

“Imagine the appeals
Dissents and remandments
If lawyers had written
The Ten Commandments.”
–Harry Bender

“Personally, I don’t think you can make a lawyer honest by an act of legislature. You’ve got to work on his conscience. And his lack of a conscience is what makes him a lawyer.”
–Will Rogers

“There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law. No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.”
–Jean Giradoux

Q:    How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:    One: the lawyer holds it while the rest of the world revolves around him.

Q:    How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:    Your light bulb or theirs?

Q:    How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:    None, they’d rather keep their clients in the dark.

Q:    How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:    Fifty-four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

Q:    How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:    Two. One to change it, and one to kick the stool out from under him.

“Everybody in my family follows the medical profession,” said John. “They’re all lawyers.”

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?” “Sure do,” replied the bartender. “Good,” said the man. “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my ‘gator.”

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer’s club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape. “It ain’t so bad,” one crook noted. “We got $25 between us.” The boss screamed: “I warned you to stay clear of lawyers: we had $100 when we broke in!”

Mary reported for jury duty and immediately asked to be excused because she was prejudiced. “I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit and I knew that he was guilty as sin.” “Sit down,” said the judge. “That is the prosecuting attorney.”

At a meeting of the bar association a famous attorney was boasting about his new glass eye. He claimed that it was so realistic that no one could tell which was the false one. All of the lawyers present nodded in astonished belief while the layman present blurted out, “It’s obvious that the left one is phony!” The attorney, shocked that his secret was so easily discovered, asked the layman how he knew. He replied, “Why, it’s easy, the fake one is the one with a gleam of humanity.”

Before grand theft and a legal fee,
There only stands a law degree.

Two probate lawyers were overheard while discussing a current case: “It’s such a splendid estate. What a shame to squander it on the beneficiaries.”

Q:    How many lawyers can you place on the point of a needle?
A:    Ten, if you make them stand on their heads.

A diminutive lawyer, appearing as a witness in one of the courts, was asked by the opposing attorney, who was a giant 6’8″, what he did for a living. The witness replied that he was a lawyer. “You? A lawyer?” said the huge attorney. “Why, I could put you in my pocket.” “Very likely you could,” replied the other. “But if you did, you’d have more law in your pocket than you ever had in your head.”

A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. “Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,” responded the lawyer. “Sorry, but I can’t do that,” replied the stonecutter. “In this state, it’s against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ‘here lies an honest lawyer.” “But that won’t let people know who it is,” protested the lawyer. “Certainly will,” retorted the stonecutter. “People will read it and exclaim “That’s Strange!”

Q:    What do lawyers do after they die?
A:    They lie still.

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. “Look,” said one to the other, “let’s be honest with each other.” “Okay, you first,” replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.

“A lawyer is a liar with a permit to practice.”
–Anonymous

“A good lawyer is a great liar.”
–Edward Ward

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. “Billy, you be first,” she said, “What does you mother do all day?” Billy stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.” “That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?” Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.” “Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher, “What about your father, Tim?” Tim proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.” The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Tim’s house and rang the bell. Tim’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Tim’s father said, “I’m actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain. “I’m an attorney,” the wincing man said, “and this is going to cost you $5000.” “I’m sorry, I’m really sorry,” the concerned golfer replied. “But I did yell ‘fore’.” “I’ll take it,” the attorney said.

Three proud mothers were describing the virtues of their children. The first said, “My daughter, the surgeon, has invented a new artificial liver that has saved the lives of countless patients.” The second proudly proclaimed, “My son, the physicist, has developed a new energy source capable of heating thousands of homes with absolutely no pollution.” “That is nothing,” replied the third, “my son the lawyer has discovered a new accounting system that allows him to bill clients for the time he spends on the golf course!”

Then there is the old story involving the theft of some chickens:
The Judge:      “Are you the defendant?”
Defendant:        “Nope. I’m the guy who stole the chickens.”

An elderly defense witness gave testimony in a  hree-year-old murder case. His responses were slow, and he prefaced each with the words “I think.” The prosecutor, eager to destroy the old man’s credibility as a witness, haughtily remarked, “You think the accused had gone. You think his car was a Chevy. You think you saw the deceased alive after the accused left. Your entire testimony consists of ‘I think.’ Don’t you know anything?” With the same deliberation as before, the old man replied, “Young fellow, I cannot speak without first thinking. I am not an attorney.”

A lawyer who had a trial scheduled walked into the courtroom and saw her opponent. “Are those people over there your witnesses?” her opponent asked. When the lawyer said yes, the other replied, “Then you win. I’ve used those witnesses twice myself.”

It seems that a lawyer had a little bit too much to drink and on his way home rear-ended the car in front of him. The lawyer got out of his car, walked over to the driver of the other car and said, “Boy, are you in trouble. I’m a lawyer!” The driver looked out his window and said, “No, you’re in trouble. I’m a judge.”

A musical lawyer that I know never lost a case. Whenever he questioned the appropriateness of testimony, with a long drawn out “Objectioooo…..n,” the judge had to admit it was sustained.

“Your Honor, in the first place, as they say, I am going to say it. I was going to say what you said and the reason I am going to say it, is not because you just said it. If you had not said it, I was going to say it first.”
–A lawyer speaking to a judge

First lawyer:           “You’re an unmitigated liar.”
Second lawyer:       “You’re a lowdown cheat.”
Judge:           “Now that the lawyers have identified themselves, let us proceed.”

The judicial process is like a cow. The public is impaled on its horns, the government has it by the tail, and all the while the lawyers are milking it.

A young attorney who had taken over his father’s practice rushed home elated one night. “Dad, listen,” he shouted, “I’ve finally settled that old McKinney suit.” “Settled it!” cried his astonished father. “Why, I gave that to you as an annuity for life.”

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?” The doctor replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.” The lawyer looked puzzled. “Gee,” he asked, “how do you start a flood?”

Lawyers don’t tan, they just appeal.

An experienced editor trying to explain the newspaper to a cub reporter: “You can’t sell any papers with a ‘dog bites man’ story, but ‘Client Runs Off with Attorney’s Funds’–why, that would sell out a special edition.”

Children who never come when called will grow up to be doctors. Children who come before they are called will grow up to be lawyers.

Any time a lawyer is seen but not heard, it’s a shame to wake him.

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina,  snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit’s head, and said, “You’re under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll blow your brains out.” But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger’s message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. “What did he say?” asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, “He said ‘Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn’t dare shoot me.'”

Finally, a true story about the convicted con man who was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which one judge remarked, “I should have suspected he wasn’t a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite.”

Q:   Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A:   You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you’d been there eight hours.

A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item: “Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn’t you.  –$50.00.”

When my attorney told his clients that he had a sliding fee schedule, what he meant was that after he billed you, it was financially hard to get back on your feet.

A lawsuit has been called a method of extracting half of a debt by demanding double the payment.

“I’m beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.” “Why do you say that?” “Listen to this from his bill: ‘For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.00.'”

A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: “Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!” The defendant answered, “No, we won.”

A blizzard struck one February evening, and the next morning the streets were impassable. One student who lived two miles from the campus and who normally commuted by elevated railway heard on the radio that the el was not running. Dutifully he trudged through the snow-filled sidewalks, arriving twenty minutes late for his Contracts class. There at the podium the professor was holding forth to an audience of one. Instead of taking his regular assigned seat, the student slipped into the seat next to the other fellow. The new arrival listened to the lecture and after a while leaned toward the other student. “What’s he talking about?” he whispered. “How should I know?” came the reply. “I got here five minutes before you did.”
–David Levin

A cannibal was entertaining guests that evening and wanted to prepare a special meal for them.  So he went to the local butcher shop to pick up 5 lbs. of brains.  When he arrived the butcher showed him several varieties to chose from. There were scientist’s brains for $2/lbs., doctor’s brains for $5/lbs.,  and lawyer’s brains for $20/lbs.  The cannibal asked why the lawyer’s brains were so expensive.  The butcher replied, “Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get a pound of brains?”.

Q:    What do you get when you cross a smart lawyer with a dumb politician?
A:     Chelsea Clinton.

A military officer was introduced to a federal judge at a social occasion.  To open the conversation, the officer told the judge his profession.  When the judge said what he did, the officer said, “That’s a coincidence…I’ve sworn an oath to support and defend whatever pops into your head.”

Q:    What do you get if you cross a lawyer with a feminist?
A:    A lawyer that won’t screw you.

Q:    What’s the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A:    One of them stops f***ing with you when you die.

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.   The attorney asked, “Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man’s pulse?”  The coroner said, “No.”   The attorney then asked, “Did you listen for a heart beat?”   “No.”   “Did you check for breathing?”   “No.”   “So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?”  The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, “Well, let me put it this way.  The man’s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere.”

Q:    What is the difference between a lawyer and God?
A:    God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.

A man goes into a bar, the barman says “What will you have”.  The man replies “Scotch please”.  The barman serves the drink but the man refuses to pay, claiming that as the barman had asked him what he wanted the drink was “on the house.” A lawyer in the corner pipes up: “Perhaps I can help. There was clearly offer and acceptance, the only thing preventing there being a contract is consideration.  It could be argued, however, that by sitting at the bar drinking his drink the customer contributes to the atmosphere of what otherwise be a pretty empty bar, thus attracting trade.  That is valuable consideration so I think there is a contract here, the man is entitled to his drink for free.” “I never heard such nonsense,” says the barman.  “Finish your drink and get out, I never want to see you in here again.”  A few days later the man comes back into the bar.  “I told you that you were banned.” says the barman.  “I assure you I have never been in this bar in my  life,” says the man.  “I’m sorry, I can only say you must have a double,” the barman replies. “Thanks, and I’m sure our lawyer friend in the corner would like one…”

Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.

One juror overheard saying to another…”You’ll notice that neither the prosecutor or defense attorney swore to tell the truth!”

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.
“Look,” said one to the other, “let’s be honest with each other.”
“Okay, you first,” replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.

Two lawyers met at a cocktail party. “How’s business?” asked the first. “Rotten,” replied the other. “Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there was already another lawyer hanging on to the bumper.”

Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?
An ambulance backed up suddenly.

Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.

A young lawyer with her first big case held forth to the jury hour after hour, straying far from the point of the case. When she finally sat down, her more experienced adversary rose and, turning to the jury, said, “I’ll follow the example set by my learned opponent and submit this case to you without argument.”

Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.

Q: How do you define double jeopardy?
A: When a lawyer calls in her partner.

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a  man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn’t true.
“I’m as sober as you are, your honor,” the man claimed.
The judge replied, “Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days.”

Two smart, attractive, well-educated young law graduates, Sally and Edith, were competing for a prestigious job. As part of the job interview each was asked why she wanted the job. Edith answered that she wanted to work for a firm with a reputation of being concerned with truth and justice. When it was her turn, Sally simply opened her purse, took out a rather thin wallet and laid it on the senior partner’s desk. “I want to fatten it up as fast as possible,” she said.
Sally got the job.

A group of professional men had finished a day’s hunt and were relaxing around the fire. Their hunting dogs occupied a clearing nearby. One of the men observed that it was remarkable how the dogs had acquired the traits of their owners.
The musician’s dog was softly howling strains of the Moonlight sonata. The engineer’s dog was using his paw to perform calculations in the dust.
The lawyer’s dog was screwing all the rest.

A former lawyer applied to a government contractor for a job. The contractor asked him what he could do. “I’ll be a consultant,” the lawyer said.
“We have enough consultants,” the contractor said.
“I know all about what’s going on in government,” the lawyer said. “I’ll be an advisor.”
“We have enough advisors,” the contractor said.
By now the lawyer was becoming a little desperate. “Look,” he said, “I’m not overly proud. I’ll help you with paperwork, sort of like a clerk.”
“Sorry,” said the contractor. “We have more than enough clerks.
With that the lawyer got upset. Jumping to his feet, he turned toward the door and shouted, “Well, to work for you, I’d have to be a low-down, double-dealing SOB anyhow.”
“You didn’t say you were a lawyer!” exclaimed the contractor. “Do sit down.”

Q: What’s a good wedding present for a lawyer who marries a snake?
A: Towels marked Hiss and Hiss.

A group of headhunters sets up a small stand near a well-traveled road. The bill of fare is as follows:
Sautéed Tourist $10
Braised Reporter $12
Fried Diplomat $15
Barbecued Lawyer $110
A customer, noticing the great price differential, asked why lawyers cost so much.
The headhunter replied, “if you had ever tried to clean one of those devils, you would understand.”

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:
“What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?” the minister asked.
“Try to fix it if it’s big; ignore it if it’s insignificant,” replied the lawyer. “What do you do?”
The minister replied “Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say ‘the devil is the father of liars,’ but I said instead ‘the devil is the father of lawyers,’ so I let it go.”

Q:    What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A:    Another lawyer.

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud “THUMP” and then he would swerve back onto the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.  He asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?”  “I’m going to the church 5 miles down the road,” replied the priest.  “No problem, Father! I’ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck.” The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.  Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “THUD”. Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.”  “That’s okay”, replied the priest. “I got him with the door!”

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going in to retrieve it.”
The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “You obviously didn’t recognize me. I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things hereabouts in Texas. See, we settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What’s the Texas Three-Kick Rule?”
The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. But the lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot now it’s my turn.”
The old farmer turned and said, “Naw, I give up… you can have the duck.”

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. “Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.
“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.
“Oh, come along with me then,” instructed the lawyer.
“But, sir, I have a wife and two children!”
“Bring them along!” replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, “Come with us.”
“But sir, I have a wife and six children!” the second man answered.
“Bring them as well!” answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall .”

A man walks into a bar, approaches a good-looking, smartly dressed woman. He walks up to her and says, “Hi there, good-looking, how’s it going?” Having had a few drinks, she replies “Listen! I’ll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, front door, back door, it doesn’t matter. I’ve been doing it since I got out of college. I just flat ass love it.”  Eyes now wide with interest he says, “No kidding, I’m a lawyer too! What firm are you with?”An attorney and a police officer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to Paris. The attorney leans over to the police officer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The police officer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The attorney persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $5.” Again, the police officer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The attorney, now somewhat exasperated, says, “OK, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $50!”  This catches the police officer’s attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The attorney asks the first question. “What’s the exact distance from the earth to the moon?” The police officer doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the attorney. Now, it’s the police officer’s turn. He asks the attorney “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?” The Attorney looks over at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his associates — all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the police officer and hands him $50. The police officer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The attorney, more than a little miffed, shakes the police officer and asks “Well, so what’s the answer?”  Without a word, the police officer reaches into his wallet, hands the attorney $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

Written by Tim Dees on July 9th, 2010